Extra points if you know the source of the maligned title
~
Your sickness or mine? Which came first? Mine, I'm older so I get you in this temporal plane.
Debating how it all worked between us could take all day and more time to type than I have so lets just say we complimented each other well.
A question that comes to my mind is - do our sicknesses diverge now or can we recover together?
OR
Why am I the only one you don't love anymore?
In fairness we did drift apart over a very long time and instant results cannot be expected [or desired] but wasn't the goal to love best we could? Sometimes it wasn't very good but seems we tried very hard anyway. Seems I'm always out here, a thousand miles away from you - so if I missed what was going on under my nose when I came home - is that really a surprise?
You asked why I wasn't 'like this before' and I said 'I was' and ‘‘Why weren't you like this?'
Maybe a better question is - if it is one day at a time, then aren't we supposed to put the past behind us and live for today - I won't claim innocence but was I worse because of your hidden illness?
All I read and hear says yes, so isn't it logical that just by you being different that I'll be different? I'm not saying I am not seeking change, only that parts of it are easier because of the recognition of your illness.
The conversation we had that Saturday changed alot for me - what little I hadn't forgiven faded away with a more complete knowledge of your situation. I simply cannot hold your past against you - and so I wonder why you are not willing to let go of mine?
Damn, am I whiney or what - how about this...
I love you, you very difficult woman - you fill my dreams - awake and asleep - falling for you wasn't easy - how could it be - remember how damaged I was? Even after 5 years I was a mess.
Yet you patiently loved and cared for me - how can I not want to stand by you now? How can I walk away quietly form the best thing to happen to me?
Keep looking is all I can say - I am in your heart - maybe you have overlooked me - it isn't that you're not in love with me but in shock form all the changes, all the realizations
We can simply dissolve or renew our bond and vows - won't you give me the benefit of doubt - isn't it possible that I really am right and it doesn't mean you are wrong, just too tired to see everything?
All my advice, all the times I was right about other things - - - that didn't mean there was anything wrong with you - that you had no worth or that I didn't value you. I cared, I cared alot and only want the best for you and for us - maybe my tactics weren't the best - maybe I lack certain skills of persuasion but I it in love - if it seemed otherwise that was my fault not yours.
I love you and I want to say that to you for the rest of my life - I want to hear it from you for even longer than that - if there is a forever I want yours to be mine.
It is so lonely out here but since I met you it has been bearable - knowing I had you and the kids to come home to made my days better - it was so hard to come home to the chaos that so often reigned - how could I know why - if I lost my cool it was because I looked forward to something that wasn't there and I craved. It almost seemed an insult to me - knowing what I know now - I can only say I wish I had know sooner and how sorry I am you were so unhappy for so long.
The Bear and the stupid puns - you mentioned my needing a spiritual awakening - where do you think that idea came from - laugh if you will - - - yes it would have been more helpful to have been told about your problem but maybe that is serving a higher purpose
I wasn't kidding when I told you why we had to get married - and if you recall the shit storm that followed - it does seem we needed to marry - I think that saved the kids - trust me that was coming marriage or not
Our road may have been difficult but reread my email signature - I really did work on finding that which best expressed me as I am and think.
Speaking of thinking, I think I will go to bed now - but I sure do wish it was after telling you goodnite with a kiss
No comments:
Post a Comment